Catharsis
by Ina-chan
Summary: Kyou's point of view re: the WANDERING storyline


Disclaimer: Fruits Basket belongs to Takaya Natsuki-sensei and Hana to Yume comics. This fic is done only for the glorification of Furuba! It's a WANDERING storyline side story. Please read WANDERING @ FF.net first to fully understand what's going on.  
  
August 31, 2002  
Catharsis  
By Ina-chan  
  
The dry leaves crunched under my feet. That's funny. I didn't even realize that the leaves have begun to fall, or that the breeze has started to become colder. Summer will be officially over in a matter of days. Soon, all the leaves will fall to the mercy of the ground.   
  
In the past, I've always seen summer with an eye of nonchalance. Like the other seasons of the year, it was fickle. It's heat promising vacations and holidays and festivals... just as you thought the liveliness of life you feel during its season would last forever… it turns its back to allow autumn to creep in and have its fingers weave its seasonal death.  
  
Summer was a little bit like her. A fleeting taste of paradise, that no matter how hard you wish, she'll never stay.  
  
The sky let out a low growl verifying the prickling sensation on my skin and the heaviness in my bones I felt all afternoon. Dark clouds were slowly gathering in the distance. It would only be a matter of time before the sky would start to shed its tears.  
  
"Kyou-kun…" Kagura's voice filtered through my consciousness, "Do you still… love her?"  
  
I let out a deep breath when she finally said it. I didn't even realize I was holding it until this moment. I've been waiting for her to ask that question for the longest time. Even before she suddenly appeared at my door bringing this piece of news. Not only was "she" alive, "she" was… home.  
  
I caught her studying my face when she said those words. I knew, right from that moment, she was silently looking for the answer to that question that she just asked. I knew how she felt about me… and she knew how I felt about "her". So I simply closed my eyes and let out a sigh, "It doesn't really matter anymore, does it?"  
  
"Hmmmm…" She hummed with a knowing 'ah, so you still love her' tone  
  
I frowned and glared at her in irritation, "What do you want me to say?"  
  
"Nothing, really," She shrugged, "Like you said, it doesn't really matter. Nothing anyone says or does will change how you feel about her."  
  
"And you?" I asked lightly before I could stop the words from flying from my lips  
  
"I'm just as stupid and stubborn as you are," She replied a-matter-of-factly, "But much better looking, of course."  
  
I couldn't help but let out a laugh with that. Once again, I'm amazed at how much people change in time. Ten years ago, I couldn't imagine myself having a conversation like this with Kagura. All that time my heart never faltered… even after I knew that "she" would choose to leave, after I learned that "she" chose someone else, and after I believed that "she" had died. Kagura's heart remained the same… I suppose. And she pretty much went through the same situation with me. Perhaps that's the reason why we eventually fell into this strange friendship. Misery always yearns for company.  
  
"I'm glad to see her again, though. She seems like she was doing well…" Kagura continued her train of thought out loud, "…and I never though I'd see Yun-chan look that happy again."  
  
I intended to grunt in agreement, but somehow, the sound came out more like a   
sarcastic snort.   
  
Kagura gave me an amused look, "Heeeh? I though you said that you were over that a long time ago? You're still not sore about loosing, are you?"  
  
"Idiot," I muttered back in mock annoyance.   
  
Though there was some truth in her words… I have suffered so many humiliating losses by that damned mouse's hands, but nothing could compare to the pain of the biggest loss I suffered ten years ago… with a pain that stung and ate away at my very soul all those years.   
  
If there was ever a time that I hated Yuki most in the past, it would be that time. For a moment, I thought I had a chance. I thought… that with that contest at least, I thought this was something I had a chance of winning.   
  
Being near "her" made me forget about everything, made me not care about anything… made me blind. Those moments we spent alone together were enough for me to ignore the meanings behind the stolen glimpses I caught them sharing. Those moments we had, made me feel like I was the center of "her" universe, so that's why I dismissed their lingering touches, and the meaningful looks they would sometimes exchange as if they shared a big secret. His cold jealous glares fed my ego rather than cause me to throw caution and attempt to understand his meaning.  
  
I was so… dense. So stupid.  
  
I suppose, looking back, I was really afraid. I never dared to find out what happened at those times when "she" spent time alone with him because I was afraid of what I would learn. So I satisfied myself with the picture my ego drew for me.   
  
That was probably the reason why at that time, ten years ago. The night before "she" left. Instead of believing in my feelings… to hold my ground in making her stay… I ran away. I couldn't handle it, overhearing their quiet conversation, as I stood by "her" door.  
  
/'Honda-san will get lonely being all by herself.'/  
  
I didn't expect him to be in there with "her".  
  
/'That's true. I'll miss everyone… I'll miss Yuki-kun most specially. But…/   
  
Why did it have to be him who saw "her" first?  
  
/'But it's a rare opportunity. It's not everyday you're given a chance like this.'/  
  
Why did it have to be him who was with "her" first?  
  
/'If that is what really Honda-san wants, then I don't have the right to stand in the   
way of her happiness.'/  
  
Why did he have to be so perfect and selfless and understanding?  
  
/'Is that what really Honda-san wants?'/  
  
I couldn't handle it. I knew what "she" was going to say. But I couldn't bear to hear "her" say it. So I ran away. I fled to the safe sanctuary of the roof, above "her" room. I wished and willed that "she" would sense my distress, and see "her" climbing the roof to join me, like "she" always did. But from my vantage point on the roof, I knew that "she" never left "her" room that night.  
  
Neither did Yuki.  
  
After that, loosing even more to Yuki was no longer an option. Attaining my freedom became even much more important. If becoming like Yuki, if attaining the respect that he gets, meant making great sacrifices like giving up the person you loved… then the hell with it. I'd rather be selfish and inconsiderate. I'd rather be free from Akito's bonds. For as long as I had my freedom, there's hope for me to chase "her". There's hope for me to chase "her" and run away with "her" to… I don't care… God knows where. Loosing to Yuki is no longer an option. I had to win. I had to win this bet!  
  
But in the end… I still lost.  
  
No matter how high the level of determination I mustered, Yuki managed to par and surpass me. Perhaps the incident that happened that night gave him an identical reason. He attained his freedom, and I… I ended up as a prisoner in the main house. Stewing in my hate and loathing at the whole world… at Yuki… and most specially at Akito.   
  
Even though it was never said out loud, all of us knew that Akito was behind all of this. "Her" scholarship benefactor has got to be him. As much as I hated to admit it, no matter how determined or how hard "she" tried, "she" didn't have the ability to attain something like that. Akito knew exactly what would happen if he removed "her" by force. He would only fuel the mutinous rage of various members of the family, specially the members of the Jyuunishi circle. He may have the ability to subdue us one by one, as he had always done but removing "her" by force would only unify us. Akito was not stupid or that arrogant to believe that he would win against our united wrath.   
  
So he had to make "her" leave by "her" own free will. I'm sure that's what he did. But he must have manipulated "her"… threatened "her"… coerced "her" in some way to agree to leave. "She" was not the type of person who would leave everything "she" knew and loved behind on whim. Whatever happened between "her" and Akito will probably remain their secret forever. There was no way for any of us to prove anything… there was no way for any of us to stop "her".  
  
But still… it's ironic. Even in "her" absence, "she" remained as my saving grace.  
  
"Her" early letters came frequently. It was Kagura who always brought them to me with great diligence, as well as news from the outside world. Perhaps that was when our current friendship really began. Since my loss, Kagura no longer pursued me. Then again, I no longer had the ability to run in the first place. Though that entire ordeal, Kagura was my comfort and consolation. She stayed by my side, unfaltering. If I hadn't already given my heart to somebody else first, she probably would have won me over eventually. I resigned myself with this life, secretly plotting of a way to escape from my prison.  
  
Then five years after she left, that damning letter arrived. "Her" last letter… the one that said that "she" was marrying some damned stupid gaijin. A few months later there was news of an airplane crash. It would have been an insignificant domestic flight accident in a foreign country… had it not for the fact that "her" name and "her" damned gaijin boyfriend's name were included in the list of passengers.  
  
We tried everything to find out. Shigure exhausted all his contacts. The rabbit brat even begged his father to help. In the end, we couldn't get clear confirmation if "she" really was in that flight or not. Though we all hoped with all her hearts, that letter reassuring us of "her" safety would come eventually.  
  
It never came.  
  
"She" was really gone.  
  
And it was all his fault. It was all that damned mouse's fault. That damned stupid Yuki… with all his cunning scheming abilities… with the privilege of his hard-fought freedom… that damned stupid idiot did nothing.   
  
That fueled our last fight. I broke out of my prison just to get to him, perhaps even with every intention of going as far as killing him. I wanted him to feel the pain I'm feeling. I wanted him to pay for letting her go in the first place. I wanted him to pay for not doing anything.  
  
If he really loved "her", he would have done…   
  
/'What did you expect me to do?'/  
  
SOMETHING! ANYTHING!  
  
/'So you're saying that I should have gone after her?'/  
  
Stop "her"… kidnap "her"… you could have done anything to bring "her" back to us…  
  
/'But…'/  
  
But nothing… you chose to do nothing. So in the end "she" died.  
  
/'…she said that…'/  
  
"SHE'S" DEAD AND IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!  
  
/'…she told me that…'/  
  
STOP IT! THERE'S NO EXCUSE FOR WHAT YOU DID! IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!  
  
/'…she was happy…'/  
  
itsallyourfault…  
  
/'How can I ask her to leave that to come with me?'/  
  
damn it… dammit! GODDAMMIT!  
  
………  
  
I still lost… and he didn't even throw a single punch.  
  
A short time later, I heard that Yuki collapsed and had become ill. I convinced myself that it served him right. If that continued on, the result would be inevitable. Akito would intervene and Yuki will pay with the ultimate price. There was justice in this world after all. I took it as another form of consolation with great satisfaction. I paid no heed to it at all. I purposely changed the subject whenever Kagura tried to talk to me about it. It went on for almost a year before Akito finally gave Hatori the order.  
  
I remember waiting expectantly for Kagura to bring the news, only to reel back in shock when she told me what had actually happened.   
  
/'Kyou-kun… I think it would be best for you… and for Yun-chan… to make peace now. While you still have the chance.'/  
  
So it would seem that even Akito, himself, didn't stand a chance against him. Even with what's left of his waning strength, he was still able to defy the very will of God… all to keep his memories of "her".   
  
As much as I didn't want to admit it, I felt a great sense of shame over me. I believed that I would do anything for "her". I endured all these sufferings for "her". I would kill for "her"… if it meant that I had to die in the process, yes I would do it… I will sacrifice everything… EVERYTHING… just for "her".   
  
So why?  
  
Why is the person lying in his deathbed because of "her" is not me?  
  
It was probably because of my pride. I was too ashamed. Even after Akito died and I was finally released from my prison… even after Kagura brought news of the mouse's recovered health… I couldn't muster enough courage to face him.   
  
But still… Kagura was right. I should have made peace with him right from the start. My guilt was eating away at me. I didn't even notice it until Kagura forced me to see that it has been affecting my health.  
  
/'Wherever Tooru-kun is, she's probably sad enough already with what has happened to Yun-chan… are you so jealous of Yun-chan that you would be willing to follow his example with this situation as well?'/  
  
Damn her… She also knew how to push my buttons.  
  
She opted not to tell me of one very important detail about Yuki. I was completely   
unprepared to see the Yuki I found. But thinking about it, even if Kagura told me what Hatori succeeded in doing, nothing could have prepared me for it.  
  
/'You have bad timing for visiting, but I'm glad for the extra bodies. Momiji take his right, Hatsuharu will take the left. Kagura, you secure the restraints. I just sent Ayame home today, so we'll probably need five points, at least until the lorazepam kicks in. Kyou, you hold down his legs. Whatever happens, DO NOT LET GO. Not unless you want him to kick this needle from my hand and have it fly at your face.'/  
  
It was no longer the Yuki I despised. This kicking, screaming, spitting, biting, and   
violent, caged wild creature replaced the perfect prince that I was insanely jealous of. I don't know how my numbed brain managed to hold him down. It was only then at that moment that I felt the true measure of his deceptive physical strength, now that he no longer had a mind to restrain it. It took three grown men, five-point restraints, and a heavy dose of a fast acting injectible tranquilizer just to hold him down.   
  
When it was all done, his eyes darted wildly as he struggled against his bonds. Realizing the hopelessness of his situation, he directed his anger by screaming profanities directed to the people in the room. I was still so taken aback by what I witnessed that I didn't even realize that Kagura was leading me out to the hallway until I was already out. Hatori stayed inside, while the four of us waited in stunned silence. Listening as the mouse's indignant screams slowly died down as the medication took effect.  
  
/'Ne, Haru,' Momiji's trembling voice finally broke the silence in an attempt to lighten up the situation, 'I guess its not such a good idea to teach him those words after all.'/  
  
The Ox simply turned around and sauntered quietly down the hallway, probably to go somewhere to satisfy the urge to hit something. I, in the other hand, didn't have such a gracious exit. I quickly ran outside and found myself in one of the gardens, where I promptly emptied the contents of my stomach on an unsuspecting rose bush.  
  
/'Kyou-kun?'/  
  
Damn you.  
  
/'I'm sorry, I didn't tell you. But would you still have come if I did?'/  
  
Probably not.  
  
/'Hatori-nisan thinks that its from the procedure. Because all of Yun-chan's memories were erased against his will, he's been instinctively trying hard to remember. But since his memories aren't there anymore, he only ends up with lapses of disorientation and confusion. He's actually getting a bit better.'/  
  
THAT was better?  
  
/'Well… I guess it's a matter a perspective. But I really think he's getting better. When he's calmer, we've been managing to hold his attention longer. We've managed to teach him enough words to the point that you can even have a simple conversation with him now. But he still doesn't know how to fully verbalize his frustrations and his anger. Before, when he was still weak what he would do was to attempt to repeatedly hit his head with his fists or scratch himself until he bled. He's only become more agitated and restless since he mastered walking again. I think he only wants to get out. I would probably act the same way if I was imprisoned in a room or tied down in bed.'/  
  
Imprisoned in a room… tied down in bed…  
  
/'If his episodes weren't so unpredictable, Hatori-nisan would probably agree to letting him out more. But you already know first hand how strong Yun-chan really is. There's simply no stopping him if he decides to wander out of the main house and into the streets. Aya-chan is really the only person who can reach Yun-chan when he's like this. But we can't ask Aya-chan to be Yun-chan's shadow 24 hours a day until who knows when. That's pretty much what Aya-chan has been doing since Yun-chan got sick, anyway. Hatori-nisan had to literally drag Aya-chan out of the Main House so Aya-chan can have some time for himself to rest.'/  
  
…unpredictable…  
  
/'Kyou-kun… its too late to make peace with the Yuki you hated. That Yuki is already dead. But it isn't too late for the Yuki who is living now. Yun-chan needs all the help we can give.'/  
  
What help can I possibly give?  
  
/'Tooru-kun. The only other person who knew Tooru-kun that well aside from Yun-chan is Kyou-kun. Simply think of it as your act of… atonement.'/  
  
So my penance was to share my memories of "her".   
  
At the end, I ended up being the lucky one who got the better end of the bargain. I'm such a loser. It's just so damned irritating to realize it. Even when it comes to loses and failures, I still take second place after him.  
  
"Kyou-kun? We're here," Kagura's voice brought me back to reality once again.  
  
"Ah, sorry," I mumbled in surprise as the image Kagura's door finally registered in my brain. I bit my inner cheek a bit in embarrassment at the realization that I must have looked like an idiot walking back with her to the main house like a zombie.  
  
"Hmmm…" my companion intoned impishly, "Are you regretting that we forced you to leave Tooru-kun and Yun-chan alone in Shi-chan's house?"  
  
I gave her the meanest glare I could pull together, "They're both consenting adults. What they choose to do or not choose to do in their own time has nothing to do with me." Though I admit that I couldn't help but feel a twinge of envy as soon as those words left my mouth.  
  
"Hai! Hai! I don't think you'll make it home in time, so take this," Kagura laughed as she handed me her umbrella, "I'll see you tomorrow."  
  
"Kagura…" I began quietly, "What time do you think will be… appropriate… if I was to go meet Tooru before everyone else comes?"  
  
"Heh?" She blinked in confusion  
  
"I… uhm… don't want to walk into… uh… well… an embarrassing situation," I continued, a little sheepishly  
  
"Heeeeeh…" Kagura intoned that sounded more like 'is this a last attempt to steal her away'  
  
"NO! It's nothing like that!" I retorted vehemently  
  
"I didn't say anything," Kagura replied innocently  
  
"It's not in so much what you said but at how you said it."  
  
She laughed again, "Kyou-kun is so strange!"  
  
"But seriously… I don't want to miss this opportunity again. I didn't have a chance to do it properly ten years ago because I ran away. So before she leaves again… this time, I want to tell her properly…"  
  
"But what's the point of telling her now? She's coming back for good anyway," She teased artlessly  
  
I just gave her another glare and rapped her lightly on the forehead with my knuckle, "Idiot."  
  
"Itaaaaaai! Kyou-kun is so meaaaaan!" Kagura wailed mockingly as she clutched her forehead  
  
"Are you going to help me, or not?"  
  
"Fine! I'll give them a warning call thirty minutes before we leave the Main House, but after that you're on your own," She waved non-chalantly  
  
For some strange reason, I couldn't help but feel a sudden surge of fear when she said that. I could feel my courage quickly seeping away. I knew that by tomorrow, I would try to run away again, "Kagura… can you at least walk with me to Shigure's house?"  
  
She froze at the request and turned to study my face to see if I was serious. Not that I blame her. I've never asked a favour like that from anyone. Her expression softened as if she finally understood what was running in my mind. "I'll come to get you as soon as I give them a call."  
  
"Thank you," I whispered with a small bow before I turned around to leave.  
  
The sky growled more insistently now, its warm tears followed almost instantly. I didn't bother opening Kagura's umbrella and ignored the sense of fatigue enveloping me while I let the falling rain wash away the ten years worth of pain and regret. It seemed rather appropriate, actually…   
  
Tomorrow morning will finally close that chapter of my life to make way to open a new one. Tomorrow, I won't run away from my second chance, and possibly last chance. Tomorrow morning, I will gather all of my courage to stand up to properly tell her my…  
  
…goodbye.  
  
  
~OWARI~  
  
Author's squawk:  
  
Well, there's one more follow-up inspired from WANDERING's storyline finished. I only have one more left… and it's an Ayame piece. ^_^. I still don't know how I'm going to pull that one off though. I have the main plot ready, I just don't know how to start or end it yet… ^_^.  
  
Anywayz… originally I wanted to drop this storyline entirely, but my sister inspired me to continue it since she started making her character designs for the doujinshi version of WANDERING. She hasn't shown it to me yet, but she's been complaining about how hard it is to age the characters 10 years. Tooru keeps on ending up looking like Mayuko. ^_^. (Of course… them requests to continue from various people has been too difficult to ignore).   
  
Explanations re: some psychiatric stuff I put in here  
  
Yuki's behaviour is actually very loosely based on a very over-dramatized real life behaviour of clients I worked with who have middle to late onset Altzheimer's Disease. When they get frustrated with their confusion and disorientation, depending on their personalities of course, they will try to hit or spit or kick at anyone who tries to get in their way. Usually, putting them up in a quiet room with least amount of stimulation would calm them down. Of course I had to put the restraints and intermuscular injection thing for Yuki just for dramatic reasons and to put Kyou into a shock.  
  
About the restraints system… it goes by one-point to five point restraints. The number specifies how much you want to hold down. For example, one-point restraint means that only one limb (either wrist or ankle) or the just the chest is held down, two-point is two limbs and so on. Five-point restraint is the biggie. It means that all four limbs plus the client's chest is tied down 'causing them to be completely immobile. This is for clients who are most likely to attempt to hurt themselves while being restrained. Putting a client in restraints is ALWAYS the last intervention. Exciting work I have, yes? ^_^. Well… that's enough lecture on the tools   
of my trade…  
  
Well… I hoped you liked this piece. Comments, criticisms, bricks to ina_chan@yahoo.com  
  
Ja!  
Ina-chan 


End file.
